My phone camera doesn't do justice to the alien landscape I found in northeastern Nevada in mid February. It felt like living on another planet. But so much of my life does now. I've made some decisions that feel incredibly heavy, I've hurt someone I love dearly. I've walked away from some things that I thought were constant and unbreakable, because I found that in making them so, I broke myself.
Years of compromises and sacrifices made with what felt like care and consideration stacked up and somewhere along the way I stopped growing, stopped changing, stopped pushing and challenging myself. I learned to live in safety, in security, and based so much of my life and my relationship on that safety.
But safety is not enough, and I know to start to grow again, I need to push and be pushed by the world.
The barbed wire fences along the edge of the highway here provide a modicum of protection against tumbleweed and large animals. They theoretically protect me from wandering off into the desert. They are a light guard rail, meant to protect nature from me, and me from nature.
Sometimes I think if I were a more generous person, I would learn to live within the guard rails. Maybe that's what I've been trying to do for these last couple of years. But for me, living within the guard rails led to stuffing emotions, led to numbness, led to not really feeling the intensity of emotion that I need to grow.
Realizing this doesn't make things easier.
I'm terrified. Lonely. Sad. Angry.
And I'm regretful that I have caused those same emotions in someone I love so deeply.
This journey that I'm on, the short one... the one that started in Seattle and has led me to this alien tundra, and will keep me driving through several more days... this journey is about acceptance. I need to accept the choices I've made. To have faith that this will make us each stronger. I need to let go of uncertainty and learn to give that up to the higher power that I'm seeking.
Somewhere in this moonlight is something bigger than myself. Its something I don't understand, but I aspire to connect with. I need the moonlight to push up against me, to envelop me. I need the snow covered desert to surround me and swallow me. I need to be lost in it. I need to have faith in this journey. This is where I start to find God.